Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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