The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
