Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
