I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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