two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
