You were right. It hurts to walk today.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
