Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
