I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
And then he peed in my hair
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