I think i peed on brittanys purse
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
