Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
