I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
