Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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