She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Randomize
