life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
