I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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