YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
