The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
