I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
