i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
