I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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