I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
