apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
As shirtless as possible
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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