feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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