She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
