bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
