Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
