Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize