No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
