On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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