I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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