Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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