I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
i think i just lost a toe
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
