you guys were way drunker than both of me
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You were trust falling into bushes
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
