im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
