Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
