She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Drunk is a universal language darling
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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