Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
