i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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