when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Sober January is a disaster.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
