I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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