I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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