At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Floor bacon is actually really good
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
