I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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