Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
