??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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