she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
