she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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