so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
