Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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