I faked an abortion last night.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
