the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
