I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
