I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
