one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
