If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
