i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You pole danced in your parka.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize