If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
