my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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