I didn't shave. On purpose
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
