sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
