Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
