Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
A bitchslap is in order.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
