That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Hippo gnu deer
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
