I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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