imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
