My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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