i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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