I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Drunk is a universal language darling
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